Last week, Sister Elaine Dalton gave a talk in General Conference about a father's role for her daughter. I liked what she said, for the most part, and thought I would write what I think my role as a father to my daughter is.
1- I need to show Eloise how she should be treated in marriage. I am trying more and more to do my part around the house because there is no such thing as "man's work" or "woman's work" in the home; there is just work. I have been learning how to cook and am trying to do it 3 times a week for us. Also, the way I interact with Julie and the way I treat her, I feel will have a major impact on Eloise's views about marriage. Part of being an example to her in marriage, ironically, is to show Eloise that she is beloved and welcomed as a part of my family but that my marriage comes first and is the my most important relationship. I fear that child-centered families are often the ones that break up. I want Eloise to have good relationships with all of her friends and boyfriends and I think this modeling begins with me. Marriage should always come first in a family; unless you want your kid to live with you until they're in their 60's, it is the relationship that will be the most intimate and the longest.
2- I need to teach Eloise that princesses are only in fairy tales for a reason (or if you're in England and happen to marry one of those princes and then do nothing for the rest of your life while making lots of money). When I was in London, us guys were sorely outnumbered by the girls (33 to 5, I think). There was a girl in particular that was very high maintenance and had been used to the idea of men waiting on her at all times in all places and being placed on a pedestal. Danny and I made it a goal to treat her differently than any man ever had--as an equal and as a friend. We teased her and didn't wait on her every whim. I don't know if it made a difference (probably not) but I fully plan on wrestling my girl and teaching her not to be a delicate flower that needs to be waited on. It will make her (and her husband) much happier in the long run.
3- I need to show Eloise that the only things that really matter are the relationships you have. I feel like way too often, children are taught that education and employment status and honors are what matter. In my family studies, I have run across so many articles that measure good childhood development by how well they do in school and how smart they are. I feel like this is the new good parenting philosophy in America: be rich by working way too much and spend money on your kids to go to extra-curricular activities to learn things that you should be teaching them at home (but you're not because you're never home and neither are they). These variables are stupid to me; I won't consider myself a failure if Eloise (or my other sons or daughters in the future) doesn't get into Harvard. However, I will consider myself a failure as a father if she never learns the golden rule, is unkind to her parents and family, is a disloyal friend and doesn't have a personal relationship with God.
4- I need to be actively engaged in her life. Again, there is a trend in family studies to talk about "quality time" rather than "quantity time." I agree that it's unproductive to be at home in your bedroom watching the news while your children are downstairs doing something else and calling it family time. However, this idea that you can work all the time and then take a week off and go to an exotic island and consider this quality time is silly. I measure my dearest, oldest friends by how much time they spent with me even when it wasn't exciting and convenient. I feel like as a Dad, it's my responsibility to spend quantity and quality time with her and not only when it's fun for me.
5- Finally, I just feel like it's important for her to know I love her and that I'm proud of her. People express love very differently and receive it differently. However, I don't think it's ever killed anyone to say they love you and are proud of you. I also know that those words are hollow without actions that confirm it.